Photo from Unsplash by @mustafa_omar
Before Coronavirus I had 3 very part-time income streams:
I taught English online at Cambly
I did freelance writing and blogging on medium and other sites (including starting this Substack quite aimlessly)
I did life coaching on coach.me
I’d also be very occasionally called to substitute at a Montessori school I used to work at.
I had 3 children. One in Montessori elementary school, a homeschooled middle-schooler, and a toddler.
I managed a very early morning, Saturdays, and in-my-spare-time work schedule.
I also had chronic inflammation I was trying to get diagnosed. I’d finally gotten an appointment when Coronavirus was a quick soundbite on the news. I’d had the flu just prior to and also knew I was in the first few weeks of pregnancy.
The doctor I saw came into the room after an extremely long, uncomfortable wait and told me, in less than a minute that I’d had the flu. I then tried to hurriedly read to him my list of symptoms unrelated to the flu (because I’d had almost 2 weeks of no flu symptoms). I believe he blinked at me once while writing a prescription for nausea medication and sent me on my way.
Shortly thereafter my pregnancy symptoms worsened as did Coronavirus. Both of my older children stopped their activities and we all went to my grandma’s house, actually in the opposite order. We ended up staying at my Grandma’s house because very suddenly Coronavirus knocked on the door and told us to stay in place.
Since my last birth was a miscarriage, I wasn’t feeling ultra-secure in the pregnancy. Once I was almost in the second trimester I decided I needed to look for a doctor. By that time the virus cases had just started decreasing in the U.S. and some businesses were beginning to slowly open up, but I was still very nervous.
I’m always nervous with doctors because I’ve had some very bad experiences, but especially with pregnancy. Out of my 3 births only 1 happened in a hospital with a doctor and that only happened because of long labor and eventual transfer. I happen to be just over 35 now though.
I try to make my decisions based on evidence. Especially when it comes to health. Immersing myself in the birth world prior to the birth of my first child gave me a lot of knowledge and trust in the midwifery model of care so birthing at home has always felt less risky to me than hospital birth.
However, like I said I have a chronic illness that has gotten significantly worse in the past year or so, and my biological age is considered to be a risk factor, so to the doctor, I went. There is no midwife in my immediate area either, but that came after. I went to the doctor with my mask on, and it was interesting. There were very few patients while I was there and no visitors were allowed in.
This saddened me because I feel I need the support of my partner in these high-stress (for me) situations. Also, I know he would’ve liked to be there and I believe it would be beneficial for him to experience the prenatal appointments. Also, I don’t like being the middle man, but I digress.
There was (likely) an even mix between women of color and Caucasian women. All of the former wore masks, all of the latter did not. Just an observation. Of course, there’s the part of me that wanted to ask everyone why they made their choice, but I sat quietly 6+ feet away from everyone. Even the health workers didn’t wear masks, that made me just a little uneasy but I said nothing, I just wanted to be treated well (like a human).
Around the time I began my prenatal care, I also began working again on Cambly. That brings its own set of issues. I can only work about 2-3 hours a day because I have 3 children at home, but also sitting and only getting 5-minute breaks per hour while pregnant is a difficult adjustment.
I’ve had to do a lot of adjusting my work schedule, my sleep schedule, eating schedule, homeschooling schedule, etc.
For the first 20 weeks I was extremely nauseous, exhausted (requiring random naps in the middle of the day) and food averse.
Now at 24 weeks, I’m finally able to not nap during the day and actually do physical stuff. I’m going on almost 2 weeks of feeling like a human, albeit a very sore and hungry human, I’m hoping I’m not jinxing this. I’m also in an interesting place because I have an antibody that makes my pregnancy *potentially more complex than any other I’ve ever had.
I’m seeing doctors more than I have for any of my other pregnancies and for various reasons that give me anxiety. I also feel a little unsettled because I have yet to settle on a provider for my birth.
I’ve said many times that my body is terrible at pregnancy but good at labor, so I’m not quite twitching and obsessively counting things, but this pregnancy is again, quite different than all my others.
On the other hand, there’s the social isolation bit happening. My children and I came back home in early April, which is when all the action of this story started. At that time I was slightly more optimistic and physically capable.
Perhaps for those reasons or others I started craving social interactions as well. My life prior had me taking my children to the parks regularly or visiting with their friends, which provided adult conversation for me as well (aside from my partner). I started having text conversations with a few *friends (most of which I’m not super close to) but as a sensitive extrovert, I need a lot of social interaction, I just need a specific type of interaction.
As I started working more on Cambly my partner pointed out that I loved talking to my students. I realized at that moment, that yes, I was getting something more out of my lessons, the social interaction I need to function at my best. I’ve learned so much from my students over the past few months.
Part of that is the intensity of conversation due to Coronavirus. Part of that is probably my enthusiasm to learn and ask questions I wouldn’t have asked them before when I didn’t have a desire for deeper connections the way I do now. And part of that is also because I’m pregnant.
Either way, life has been fascinating for me in 2020. I’ve been highly disconnected from the world as well as hyper-connected. I’ve grown a ton as a person, in my relationship, professionally and in my parenting. The next step for me is integrate my experience the best way I know-how—as a writer. That is the place I have not developed much in since Coronavirus hit, but I feel like I was not deactivated, I was simply incubating.
I feel pregnant with multiples right now…multiple pieces of writing that happen to be developing at the same pace. I think many things were conceived within me in the last several months and they feel just about ready to emerge, one after the other. As a highly creative person, I can’t find myself gripping any guilt at my lack of output like I usually do when I’m just a little behind on my creative goals.
Maybe this mindset is a gift of Coronavirus. I hope more creatives (including those who create life and mold minds) are unwrapping a similar gift. And I hope we all get through this physically, emotionally, and spiritually, sooner rather than later, but safer rather than haphazardly.
I’m trying to hold onto my patience and venture out socially with caution rather than with desperation for the consumption of human connection. Maybe that’s also why written communication is positioning itself to be birthed from me now. It’s also why I’m crafting out some time to read from others too (including the backlog of entries on submittable for the journal I’m a first reader for).
Either way, this time is unprecedented and I feel full of feminine flow. I feel so open to just seeing how things progress, how beautifully they ebb, as well. I wish I could paint this energy I’m breathing all over the skies, so everyone could breathe it, especially the parents of color, black moms, creative parents, creatives in general, activists, even the ones feeling defensive, frightened and attacked by the changes in the world right now.
Here’s what I’ve been up to:
Protect Your Children From Racial Anxiety
A Manifesto on Self-Compassion
Going Through Similar Hurts Doesn't Create Similar Outcomes
Responding vs Reacting: On Filling Your Cup First
And while we were isolating I had a poem published in this collection:
Indigomania by Truth Serum Press
You can also find me on:
If you’re new here, I write poetry, short stories and non-fiction. I write primarily for creative, free-spirited parents, specifically about work/life balance & strategy, relationships after trauma, polarity, self-care/personal development, holistic health, diversity/inclusivity, community/communication and parenting topics, of course!
I also coach on those topics and teach adults and children in topics related to language, health/sustainability and creativity.
I have audio meditations, pdfs and podcasts I put out occasionally. Most things of that variety will go into the paid subscription, but give me a couple months to warm back up to that!
And if I can…I have novels in progress that I feel really confident will find themselves published in the next 6 months. I did say them. I’d be happy to have you join me on this journey in free-spirited feminine mom-life (the new title of this publication)!
*If you wanted to sign up for Cambly my referral link is listed. If you apply, get approved and work 10 priority hours I’d receive a small kickback.