Photo by Mustafa Omar on Unsplash
What came first, the chicken or the egg? No one knows for sure, of course, but it makes the most sense to me that the chicken existed, long before it was able to lay an egg. Long from the chicken’s perspective, of course.
The same goes for every parent.
I started blogging a few years before 2010. I can’t tell you the exact year/date but my friends had been telling me for years I should be blogging, so I did—or I tried. Prior to that, I’d had a web forum I managed. It was fairly blog-like too, except anyone could make comment threads and share whatever they wanted and I almost-never (or maybe never this was years ago) deleted anything from anyone. Maybe I’d just close a thread.
Anyway, when I started blogging in earnest (meaning I dedicated myself to it, had an audience and knew what I was doing somewhat) the idea of being a mom blogger made my nose wrinkle and my eyes went buggy (at least one of them). I loved being a mom but I didn’t want my art, my work, my identity to stem from that motherhood garment I happened to wear every day.
Maybe that was my own complex, but I think it was more than that. I think there was a sense of protecting my journey as a mother and my journey as a creator…both from the world and protecting each journey from the other. Nevertheless, there was plenty of overlap.
I wrote about my health, my travels, my creativity, my healing process, and my plans. I wrote about the training I’d had in those topics and my professional path. I had training in breastfeeding counseling, early childhood education and child/maternal health (as a doula), in addition to spiritual/holistic healing and my creative ventures (which also included teaching dance for kids, writing (sometimes for kids) and acting (sometimes for kids).
This conflict was always there for me, but I tried to ignore it and keep trucking as much as possible. Eventually, I stopped trying so damn hard to keep things separate (if you’ve been with me for a while you’ll know I had 4 active blogs and several active subforums on other popular websites at the same time)!
My creativity has always fueled my parenting and sometimes vice versa. Without creativity I don’t know how I would have survived being a parent for this long and frankly, I can’t imagine it at all. I’ve also been a life coach to many parents over the years and the biggest struggles I see are with parents who are trying to parent in a very specific way—the way they think they’re supposed to…
These parents are often not engaging their creativity or authenticity. They are often overwhelmed with the pressure to be some version of parent they think is the only respectable type. They can’t reconcile their prior identity with that of a parent. Or they’ve been playing “the parent” so obsessively for so long, they no longer know who they were before and have no creative capacity any longer, they snoozed and lost it.
Much of this comes from their family/community. This is especially true in minority communities where, as a whole, the need to retain a distinct group identity creates a sense of security. I grew up in a black family in the Southeast United States where there is a social contract of sorts on how to parent and many a stereotype on what black moms are like.
[Of course I’m working to dismantle these stereotypes because they are not only damaging in normalizing abuse, they are pressuring future and current moms to deny their own intuition to parent in ways that work for them personally.]
So, for me, I make sure I don’t press the snooze button on my creativity, it keeps me authentic and that allows other parents to see that they can be as well. I encourage other parents to keep their creativity awake. What you bring to parenting, is what is already there, it merely needs to be interpreted or tweaked, just a little to the left. Sure, there are a few extra skills you need to learn, but it’s a lot easier to learn, enjoy, and make authentic if you infuse as much of your parenting with creativity as possible.
Parenting is also a highly sensitive topic. I’m no fan of mom-wars, or mom-shaming. I really think my hippie sensibilities couldn’t handle the drama at first, but I learned to embrace my unpopular opinions and to communicate in ways that helped readers understand that my advocating for something doesn’t mean I’m judging or advocating against something else. I think and know there are many, many ways, but there are also some rather important standards.
I spent years babysitting and nannying. The best parents, who enjoyed parenting, without obsessing over it, had their own creative journeys in life, the ones who hated parenting the most, had no creativity, no journey of their own. I didn’t want to lose myself in mommying publically, so I tried to avoid being a mommy blogger, turning down lots of opportunities for sponsorship/money, but after nearly 13 years, I know I’m good now.
When I say creativity, I don’t only mean doing artistic activities or pursuing a career in the arts. All aspects of a fulfilling personal life need to be regularly tuned up, but creativity is like sugar. A little sprinkle makes everything better. [For non-foodies, try a sprinkle of sugar in a few savory/spicy dishes…boom!]
So what are you doing to get your creativity on? Wanna collaborate? One of my goals (especially this month) is to collaborate with someone (besides my family) creatively, this month specifically I’m looking for a writing partner. I don’t miss Facebook but I miss the Bliss Group community I ran and the creativity chats we used to have!
What to expect this month and over the next few:
A post about working as a parent
A post about co-parenting, parenting/partnering, romance as a parent
A post about femininity/polarity and community as a parent
A post to help you on your creativity and wellness journey
A zine release for paid subscribers
A custom playlist